I was like a zombie walking through the grocery store. Months of carpooling and submersion in all things domestic left me feeling completely disconnected from myself. I saw it in how I was interacting with the people in my life. The expression on my face was dull, not the gentle vibrancy I was used to seeing when I caught my reflection.
I came home and wrote the following blog post, not necessarily intending to share it. But I believe in being real. And this was real. It’s got some language and some mature topics–and that’s real, and we’re all grown-ups.
I’m just gonna come out and say it. Mothering can be really fucking lonely. When they’re young it’s a loneliness that grows in isolation. I’m sure I wrote about that back in the day. But this loneliness in the teen years of mothering is a different kind of lonely. I feel like my identity as Mom is suffering some of the same angsty shit my teenage kids are. That stage of development comes with finding your place in the world, a strong desire to be with your friends–the people who get you, and managing the overwhelm of a body that only wants to sleep and fuck, and a mind that is required to absorb huge amounts of knowledge on which you’ll be tested. And yes, I can relate this to how I feel in my Mom identity right now.
The schedule is dictated by the kids’ activities. Okay, I take that back about the dishes, because it’s the minivan that gets to snuggle with my round, warm little ass the most. If only my minivan could talk to me and tell me that I still have that sparkle in my eye and it’s so inspired by my verve and vision. Then give me a slow yet eruptive orgasm. Please?
I became resentful of all the things I love. The people. The activities I do to take care of my family. The monotony of this role can be deadening. And then I remembered–it’s just a role. It’s an identity I have in the world–mother, wife, woman-of-the-house–but it’s not who I am.
The Spirit within me is infinite and this one expression of it within this human experience is barely a drop in the bucket of wholeness. Okay, maybe it’s a bit more than a drop, but infinity is a lot to express. I’d been here before. I remember. This place was a trailhead for a transformational journey I would embark on that led me down a path of self discovery and life creation.
And here I stand. At another trailhead. My boots may be worn in but I don’t know where this path leads. And that excites me. I trust myself, and I trust God. My Spirit is infinite and I’m letting her lead the way. Will you join me?
Are you at a trailhead in your life? Can you see yourself from your Spirit’s point of view, and does she want to shake your shoulders to wake you up?
What I know this time around is, although this is my unique path, I don’t have to travel it alone. And neither do you.
The buddy system is how we teach our kids to go out in the world safely. Let’s talk if you’d like to explore what it would mean for you to use the buddy system on this next adventure. I know these woods, and I believe that it’s time for you to begin.